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It struck me recently. I was watching “Letters from Iwo Jima” the other night (not really, but it’s a weak comedic device. Just go with it) and it hit me: What could possibly make this movie better? The answer: Ricardo Montalban.
Think about it. With his swarthiness and amazing chest, Ricardo is a force to be reckoned with on the set of any motion picture. To prove my point, I have assembled a list of ten reasons Ricardo Montalban should be in every movie. What was that? Yes, I realize that top ten lists are ridiculously cliche. No, I don’t think it takes anything away from the essay. Why? Because ten is a nice round number, that’s why.
10. The Chest
Ricardo Montalban has the greatest upper abdomen in the history of man. Just look at them.
You could shred cheese on those abs
That chest makes the ladies swoon and men cry with jealousy.
9. Hates The Family Circus
Seriously, how the hell does Bill Keane have a job? The Family Circus is the worst cartoon of all time and Ricardo knows it. That’s why he devotes all of his free time towards killing Bill Keane. Unfortunately, Ricardo is too busy shaping his man-chest to have free time.
8. Genetically Engineered
In a Star Trek episode, Ricardo played Khan, a genetically engineered former dictator. You don’t think he got the part because he looked genetically engineered, do you? Ricardo was an easy pick because he WAS genetically engineered. Engineered to have the greatest chest ever, to be more specific.
You don't think God could shape something so perfect, do you?
7. The Chest
Seriously, just check that thing out. That thing should be illegal or banned by the UN’s Things That Are Way Too Fucking Sexy Act of 2002.
Sexy? Dangerous? Or Dangerously Sexy? Sexily Dangerous? Sexerously Dangerly? No? Nothing? Okay.
6. Made William Shatner Shout His Name
No matter what I accomplish in my lifetime, my life will remain incomplete. When I die, William Shatner will never have looked up at a strategically placed camera on the ceiling and shouted “PAAAAAAAAATCHES!” You know who has? Of course you do.
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
5. Will Never Have One of Those Annoying Fact Websites
Maybe Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris, and Jack Bauer need great publicists like that, but Ricardo Montalban is way too classy for that. In fact, one guy did start making up “facts” about Ricardo, but Ricardo ran around the earth against its spin so fast, that he went back in time and killed the guy. That’s also why Ricardo’s chest is so amazing, even at the age of 95.
4. Hates Old People Watching Him
Ricardo was offered the lead in the TV show “Matlock.” However, Ricardo also has a deep-seated and irrational hatred towards old people who watch him on TV. Perhaps this explains the interesting correlation between rentals of “The Wrath of Khan” with a senior discount rental card and broken hips. Remember that correlation and forensic evidence does not equal causation.
3. The Chest
No, really. Look at that thing. Have you ever beheld a sight so wonderful? If Jesus would descend from the sky in a blaze of glory, people would be like, “Pretty cool, but I thought Jesus would have a better chest.” In fact, the number one utterance in delivery rooms is (shrugs shoulders) “Eh, it’s no Ricardo Montalban’s chest.” In a recent Gallup pole, 78 percent of men would rather see Ricardo’s chest than their fantasy woman’s.
More women shout Ricardo's name in bed than their actual lover's (and men like it)
Ricardo knows that revenge is a dish best served cold. Unlike Ryan Seacrest, who believes revenge is a dish best served a la mode. What the hell does Ryan Seacrest know about revenge, anyway?
1. Has Never Said “Working hard or Hardly Working?”
Sweet Jesus, I’m gonna punch the next guy that asks me that. And then punch their relatives in reverse chronological order until I reach Adam and Eve. It wasn’t funny the first time and it’s not funny now. William Shakespeare loved puns, but he would probably vomit on your face if you ever said that to him.
The greatest compliment you can pay somebody is to say that they never once repeated this horrendous cliche. That’s what they will say at Ricardo’s funeral. First, they will talk about his chest for a while. And then they will say that he never said the Working Hard thing. Everyone attending the wake will crap their pants out of pure respect and admiration.
In summary, there is no reason Ricardo Montalban shouldn’t be in every movie made and at least 10 good reasons why he should. You are a little surprised, though, right? You thought #1 was going to be about his chest didn’t you? His big, broad, chest….That smooth, rock-solid, set of pectorals…. that perfectly formed… Wait…What I talking about? Oh, yeah! And that’s why I don’t like the rock super-group Asia. The End.
Rites of Patches 