Posted by: Rites of Patches | July 25, 2007

Babies, Jeff Goldblum, and Other People I Don’t Want To See My Penis

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I would like to take this opportunity to bring a very disturbing new trend you your attention. No, not the fact that I referenced my penis, forcing you to conjure an uncomfortable mental image. Wait…Actually, I would like to take this opportunity to bring two disturbing trends to your attention. The first one is the one about my penis.

Second, I believe that the sanctity of the public bathroom is being violated. A public restroom should be kind of like a church: A sanctuary from the outside world and a place where you can pee. When I enter a public restroom, I expect two things: First, I expect a seat crawling with herpes, hepatitis, crabs, and crabs with herpes and hepatitis. Second, I expect a little peace and quiet. I expect to feel as comfortable as a man can be inches from STIs and their ensuing infertility. All of this beckons a very serious question. Why are there people looking at me as I pee?

Personally, I blame Jeff Goldblum. It all started when a small group of citizens discovered that the Jurassic Park actor was watching them as they were splitting a deuce. In response, these upright townspeople started the public service website jeffgoldblumiswatchingyoupoop.com (Ed: Site no longer exists). Thanks to their efforts, Mr. Goldblum was ejected from our stall and back onto the B-List where he belongs. However, advertisers realized that the public restroom was the only place in the contiguous United States they had not plastered with ads.

Because of Jeff Goldblum, both Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo are watching me pee. As I am urinating, I get to stare at the three stars of the movie Zodiac, which a poster above the urinal was promoting. Jake Gyllenhaal and his sunken doe-eyes would be creepy enough, but the combination of Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo is just downright intimidating. Even worse, Robert Downey Jr. can’t even make eye contact with me. He seems to be looking off to the right for some reason. Is he trying to avoid peeking? Or is he just that ashamed of my manhood? GODDAMMIT, DOWNEY! ANSWER ME!

Of course, all of this pales in comparison with my experience at the St. Cloud Mexican Village. I enter the Hombre’s Room to relieve myself. As I am in the process of doing so, I notice an advertisement in front of me. It is for a daycare center and features several babies looking directly into my eyes. Now, let me tell you something: You can never feel as disgusting and disturbed as you feel when you realize there is a baby watching you hold your genetalia. Never mind that you are just executing a simple function of the excretory system. It’s horrible. Therefore, I immediately declare public restrooms off limits to babies . That shit is just plain creepy.

Schlong

Baby's First Word: Schlong

So, what is the point of all this: You never know who is watching you poop.

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