Rites of Patches

Before the song, let me explain. I worked at a parts store this summer, and it seems that the Country Artists Association struck a deal with my store and it went a little something like this:

CAA: Okay! We’ll make crappy, melodramatic music and you’ll play it. Deal?
Parts Store: Deal!

So, over the course of the summer I learned selective hearing, gained an appreciation for the great story-tellers (aka. Cash, Nelson), and became very angry hearing about how amazing the South is. Seriously, what has the South ever done? Here’s my list: Slavery, Bad music, hillbillies, lynching, a bunch of terrible presidents. We really should have let them go back in 61.

After hearing about how amazing the South is, I decided to write my own country song about how amazing the South is. Needless to say, mine is more accurate.

‘Ole Dixieland

(Choruses sung to the tune of God Bless the USA)

I was born in Alabama
I grew up in Texas
I really love my mama
And my Southland most of all

Chorus
Lord, I love ‘Ole Dixieland, where my mama done raised me
Where folk done rose in rebellion to protect slavery
And I’ll fail school, but it’s okay ‘cause evolution doesn’t exist
And I hate all folk that ain’t like me, God bless ‘Ole Dixieland

Southern hospitality
Has always been nice for me
No Yankees bastards ‘round
Talkin’ ‘bout their equality

Chorus
Lord, I love ‘Ole Dixieland, from my head right to my toes
Land of proud hospitality, and lynching those Negroes
And I’ll laugh loud, at Larry the Cable Guy’s racism and fart jokes
And we’ll keep the gays from marryin’, God bless ‘Ole Dixieland

We’re all just Church-going folk
Listening to the Holy Ghost
Long live the South and General Lee
Who tried to set the White Man free

Chorus
Lord, I love ‘Ole Dixieland, and smoking fat cigars
Where we fly the flag of justice beneath the Stars and Bars
And I’ll vote Republican, ‘cause Bush is God and I’ll go to Hell if I don’t
At least that’s what the pastor says, God bless ‘Ole Dixieland