Rites of Patches

Scene 1: Two Ring-Wraiths have surrounded Frodo, Sam and I

Frodo: It’s hopeless!
Sam: No, it’s not, master. We will attack them and you can slip away!
Frodo: No, I can’t ask you to do that for me!
Me: Hey! (points at Frodo) He’s got the Ring! (Kicks Frodo in the testicles and runs away as the Ring Wraiths tear Frodo and Sam apart.)

Scene 2: Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and I are about to pass through the Dark Door to enter the Paths of the Dead

Aragorn: Come, friends. Stout hearts, now!
Me: It smells funny in there. (other three look at Me weird) No, seriously. It smells like death and shit.
Legolas: It IS the path of the dead.
Me: Wait. There’s dead people in there?
Aragorn: That’s kinda the point… (uncomfortable silence as the 3 warriors stare at Me)
Gimli: Did you just piss yourself?
Me: No. Yes. Uhhhh…I mean….. Maybe? Hey, not to change the subject, but wasn’t Gimli awesome in Sliders?
Aragorn: Dammit, stay in character!
Me: My favorite one was the one when you met Alexander Fleming and invented penicillin for him and the one…(fade out)

Scene 3: Frodo and I are at Rohan before the Battle at Helm’s Deep

Frodo: No!
Me: Come on! I just want to borrow it!
Frodo: Absolutely not!
Me: I’ll bring it right back, I promise!
Frodo: Whomever wears The Ring shall be found by The Eye!
Me: The Eye? Seriously, this isn’t the Odyssey. No Cyclopses……Clyclopsi? Whatever….Are gonna find you.
Frodo: No!
Me: Come on! The Ring makes you invisible and Lady Eowyn’s chamber is right over there. I just want to borrow it for a little while.
Frodo: No!
Me: It’s not like I’m gonna go Kevin Bacon on anybody or anything. You seen that one, Frodo? I think it’s called Hollow Man or something like that…
Frodo: Stay in character!
Me: Dude, seriously? Have you seen Eowyn? She has got some fine tig-
Frodo: She’s right behind you.
Me: Hey, Eowyn! We were…uh…just talking about you. Frodo……uh…….was gonna ……uh……(kicks Frodo in testicles and runs away.)