Rites of Patches

Debate

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to this, the first of four presidential debates between Hilary Clinton and The Rock. The Rock, you won the coin toss backstage. You may begin.

The Rock: FINALLY! THE ROCK…HAS COME BACK….TO GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY!!! (crowd goes crazy) The Rock says we need to invest in a viable, long-term energy conservation program, such as ETHENOL! (crowd cheers) Second, The Rock says it is time to form a more responsible foreign policy. What do you think, Hilary?

Hilary Clinton: Well, I th-
The Rock: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, JABRONI! THE ROCK HAS ONE THING TO SAY TO FOREIGN AGGRESSORS: JUST BRING IT! KIM JONG IL WANTS TO CONDUCT NUCLEAR TESTS AND TERRORIZE NORTHEAST ASIA? KIM JONG BEST KNOW HIS ROLE AND SHUT HIS DAMN MOUTH BEFORE THE ROCK TAKES THAT NUCLEAR MISSILE, SHINES IT UP REAL NICE, TURNS THAT SUM-BITCH SIDEWAYS, AND STICKS IT STRAIGHT UP HIS CANDY ASS!!!! IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLELELELELELELLL!!! (Crowd chants along) WHAT THE ROCK….IS…..COOKIN’!!!

War with North Korea

President The Rock and Kim Jong Il enter the ring. The Rock begins pummeling Kim Jong because let’s face it, King Jong Il is not a large man and was foolish to accept The Rock’s offer of a match. Kim Jong’s plan becomes clear as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad runs into the ring with his tag-team partners, the Ireignians. They start beating down The Rock with STEEL CHAIRS! The Rock takes a brutal pummeling. The Rock is down and out, but the referee was knocked out in the chaos so no one could administer the count. The Ireignians continue beating down The Rock. Finally, Ehud Olmert and The Jew Crew come to the rescue, clearing out the Ireignians and chasing them backstage.

The referee gets back up, but is hit from behind by Osama bin Laden. Just as the Rock was about to Rock Bottom Kim Jung Il, a suicide bomber slides into the ring and explodes next to The Rock. The ring is completely destroyed and Kim Jong Il pins The Rock. 1……2……thr—NO! THE ROCK KICKS OUT AT TWO!!! Osama is going crazy at ringside. Osama grabs a chair and goes for the Rock. The Rock ducks and OSAMA DECKS KIM JONG IL! Osama is stunned. The Rock delivers a Rock Bottom to Osama. He then gives Kim Jong Il a People’s Elbow! 1…….2…….3!

Crowd: USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Vote for this Man!