Rites of Patches

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2013 Academy Awards! Here’s your host, Seth MacFarlane.

Seth MacFarlane: Haha. Hey, everyone. Most people know me as the creator of Family Guy. Most of you, however, know me as the reason no one is watching right now. (Polite laughter from the audience) Haha. Hey, that reminds me of that one time that a thing happened with a person we all have heard of before, but perhaps may have forgotten about. Get it? We know the same things. Good joke.

Now, our first award, Best Supporting Actor. To present this award, Sunken Doe-Eyes and Woman I’m Pretty Sure Is Amy Adams.

Amy Adams: The award for Best Supporting Actor goes to…(drumroll)… Tom Hardy for Dark Knight Rises!

(Bane walks to the podium and snaps Jake Gyllenhaal’s neck.)

(Bane presses a button, detonating a bomb under Richard Gere’s seat. Bits of Richard Gere fly everywhere)

Yes! 15 year old Richard Gere jokes!

Tom Hardy: Hollywood. Take control! Take control of your indushtry!

Seth MacFarlane: You murdered Jake Gyllenhaal!

Tom Hardy: No one cared who I wus before I put on the mashk. Now I’m an Academy Award winner! (Hardy picks up MacFarlane and snaps him in half)

Tom Hardy: I am Hollywood’s reckoning!

(The music starts playing. Hardy leaves. Natalie Portman comes up to present the next award)

…because DAMN!

Natalie Portman: Next is the award for Best Film. The nominees are Amour, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the award for Best Film, as well as all of the others, goes to… (Drumroll)… The Dark Knight Rises.

(Everyone cheers wildly because Batman was clearly the bestest and most awesome movie of 2012. The end.)

Editor’s Note: I like Batman