Posted by: Rites of Patches | January 25, 2009

If Max Payne Were More Honest

From the studio that brought you "The Happening," "Alvin and the Chipmunks," "Meet the Spartans," and uncountable other war crimes...

From the studio that brought you The Happening, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Meet the Spartans, and uncountable other war crimes...

Marky Mark:  I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in joy. I don’t believe in multiple facial expressions. I believe in pain…….MAX PAYNE!

*Warning Spoilers*

Random Gangster:  GIMME THE WATCH, MUTHAFUCKA!!

Marky Mark:  I wouldn’t advise that.
Random Gangster: WHY NOT, MUTHAFUCKA?
Marky Mark:  Despite the single dimension of my character, you’re really just a vaguely racist, stock cliché.

Random Gangster:  SHIIIIT!

Crappy Bond Girl:  Please, sister. Can I go with Marky Mark?
Jackie:  I don’t want you to, because I’m apparently an assassin, even though there is nothing in the film to suggest or confirm that.

Sucre: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I’M SHIRTLESS AND INTIMIDATING!!!!!!!!!

Crappy Bond Girl: AHHHHH! I’M A CRAPPY PLOT DEVICE TO BRING MY SISTER & MAX TOGETHER!

Vampire Guy:  Hey, Max. It’s been a while. I’m the clichéd partner with whom you previously had a falling out. Don’t worry, I’ll be dead in no time.

Marky Mark:  Where am I?
General Landry: You’re in the hospital. Right now you can only trust me, your father’s old partner. Don’t worry, though, the audience won’t know your father was a cop, or that I was his partner, for another 45 minutes.

Boss Lady:  Max, your wife was a wonderful person.
Marky Mark:  Thanks, Wife’s-Boss-Who-We-Don’t-Find-Out-Is-The-Boss-For-Thirty-More-Fucking-Minutes.

Luda:  I’m Lt. Bravura. We’re pretty sure a Homicide cop was stupid enough to leave evidence at two murders, but we aren’t going to suspend you or detain you. We’ll just stare angrily at you.

Marky Mark:  Hey, tattoo guy. What do you know about these tattoos?
Tattoo Guy:  Blah Blah Blah Blah Norse Mythology Blah Blah Valkyries Blah Blah Why the fuck am I in this movie Blah Blah Blah.

Black Guy:  What the hell is the purpose of my character in this movie?

Chris O’Donnell?:  I told you the company was secretly evil and gave you the incriminating VHS that the company has inexplicably laying around. Why are you still hitting me?
Marky Mark:  …And this is for Batman & Robin!

Sucre: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I’M SHIRTLESS AND INTIMIDATING!!!!!!!!!

VHS Evidence:  You’ll never guess, but it was actually a corporation and the military working together to create a supersoldier by making soldiers fearless. Except that it became addictive and drove 99% of test subjects insane. Man, who would have seen an evil corporation coming…

Sucre: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I’M STILL SHIRTLESS AND INTIMIDATING!!!!!!!!!

Marky Mark:  Thank God I’m an accurate shot and the trained guard with an assault rifle directly above me will shoot the lab cart clearly five yards to my left.

Sucre:  Wait, I’ve been menacingly shirtless for the entire film, only to be shot in the chest 10 seconds into the climactic confrontation? WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PURPOSE IN THIS MOVIE!?!

General Landry:  Looks like I pulled one over on you, Max. I murdered the daughter-in-law and grandchild of my former partner because she became a mild inconvenience. Marvel as I go from One-Dimensional Good Guy to Man-Of-Pure-Evil in seconds! And I choked your baby to death too! MWAH HAHAHAHAHA!

Marky Mark:  WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT I WOULD BE IN THE 1% THE DRUG WORKS FOR!?!

Marky Mark:  Thank goodness the drug apparently also protects me from a shotgun blast and two assault rifle rounds to the chest, despite the fact that it only took one pistol round to kill Lupino.

Jackie:  I came back for you, Max.
Marky Mark:  Why? We never shared an intimate or emotional moment and I’m pretty sure you threatened to kill me the last three times we’ve seen each other.
Jackie:  Who the fuck knows.

Luda:  Payne is up there. Make sure he is taken alive. We need to protect Detective Payne.
Police Extra:  Wait, weren’t you enraged the SWAT Team didn’t kill him the last time we saw you?
Luda:  (Silence) … Man, this fucking movie sucks.

Boss Lady:  What the hell is my purpose in this movie?

Black Guy:  Doot Doo Doo. Arming the bomb… Wait, why the hell is the guard facing me and not the door?

Black Guy:  Goddammitt…

Black Guy:  Must……Set off…..C4 to cause……explosion that will not affect the plot or other characters in any way….

BOOM!

BOOM!


General Landry:  Well, Max, you found me. Let’s say we end this abortion of a movie. (Shot dead)

Luda:  If we shoot him in the back of the head, there can’t be a sequel, right?

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Responses

  1. Hell Yeah Dood!!! Nice Work!!! I concur!!!

  2. Tattoo Guy bears a striking resemblance to Getty Lee in his later years of course, which really blows ass, because Getty Lee is the shit and Tattoo Guy is a total vag. There are two expectations for tattoo guys, one that they are the type that is super self centered body builder or the unbelievably ugly old dudes (most often with giant beards, here not the case), of who no one could ever imagine them ever having been young or attractive, strangely. This douchey McDoucherson and his disgusting portrayal of Getty Lee exceeds any and all tragedies that Metallica undoubtedly caused with their St. Anger album. Therefore, I have lit the beacon with this totally overdone comment and say that all Rush fans unite, find this guy, and tea bag him to death.

  3. DWP +1

  4. Why arent you this funny at work?

  5. Ouch…

  6. It was a compliment.


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