Posted by: Rites of Patches | June 20, 2008

The Pros and Cons of Peeing on Jeff Van Gundy If He Were on Fire

I’ve had to make some pretty tough decisions in my day. In fact, my life as a whole has been ludicrously challenging. Really though, how else, aside from hard work and smart decision-making, can you attribute the success of a White male in America who grew up in a loving, lower-middle class home? You can’t. That question was rhetorical.

I had to decide whether to leave a part-time job for a full-time job (Full-time). I had to decide whether or not to have ice cream (whether). I had to decide whether to buy the new Disturbed cd or the new 10 Years cd (both). And I had to decide between plastic or paper (Paper. A felled tree killed my father and I have swore vengeance ever since). As you can see, single mothers who need to choose between taking a 3rd job or allowing their family to starve to death ain’t got nothing on me. The bottom line is that my life is really hard. And the only way it could become any more difficult is if I would be confronted with the situation described in the title.

Talk about a conundrum…For those of you without an interest in sports, Jeff Van Gundy was a rather successful coach for the New York Knicks and Houston Rockets before he was canned and became an announcer. He is a terror to hear in action. He says stupid things very loudly, goes off on random tangents, (Which would actually endear him to me normally, but I don’t care what you think about Brittany Spears), seems to have some sort of vendetta against good announcer Mark Jackson, periodically contradicting him and fake-arguing, which is successful only in creating awkward silence. He’s also about as fair and balanced as Bill O’Reilly (One “l” or 2 “l’s”? See! My life is hard!), spending the last 3 quarters of Game 6 talking about how amazing the Celtics are rather than covering the actual game.

Clearly, I would leap at the opportunity to pee on Jeff Van Gundy. Seriously, I would leap anywhere I needed to – Bunny Hop Line, Potato Sack Race, Off the Space Needle – just for that opportunity. I can only think of one this more insulting than peeing on someone, and we’re not going there. But, what if Jeff Van Gundy were on fire? This would introduce a whole new twist on the situation. Let me try to break it down for you:

Pros of Peeing on Jeff Van Gundy: Peeing on Jeff Van Gundy, Satisfaction that comes with peeing on Jeff Van Gundy

Cons of Peeing on Jeff Van Gundy: Might put out fire

Being the brilliant decision-maker I am, I would choose to play it safe and allow Jeff Van Gundy to horribly burn to death rather than risk putting out the fire. And when confronted with his hysterical family, federal charges of negligent homicide, and the crushing burden of guilt for allowing a human being to die, I would just point at his body and say “But he was Satan.” And then Satan would jump out of his body and give me that “Oh, rats! You got me! Look.” And then the family and the police would shrug their shoulders and give me hugs and a medal. And then a unicorn would swoop down and fly me away from the city as I brush its mane.

My life is hard.


  1. I am now indebted to you, kind sir.

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