Rites of Patches

Staind sucks major balls live.

Sorry, I just needed to get that out of the way before I began this, a helpful guide for anyone unfortunate enough to attend a Staind concert in the future. Judging solely by their music, one would think that Staind would be an intense, high-energy show. After all, Aaron Lewis has lots of inner demons and anger issues with everyone. Therefore, he would be very passionate up on the stage. I was feeling very confident in my logic, that is until Staind actually came on and played.

Aaron Lewis just stands there. He doesn’t move at all. He stands stationary and plays his guitar without intensity while the bass player does the same. The other guitar player really enjoys rocking out, but he can’t carry the whole damn show by himself.

Not only does Lewis do his Michelangelo’s David impression all night, but he is also the least charismatic man I have ever met. Frontmen are supposed to be exciting and engaging, but Aaron Lewis did absolutely nothing to engage the crowd. He didn’t even give a “What’s up!” or a “You ready to rock” He just came out and started playing. All he did in between songs was quietly mention what depressing topic the next song was about in a monotonous voice.

Don’t get me wrong, I love many Staind songs. I’ve loved “For You,” “Price to Play,” and “How About You” since they came out on the radio. “Falling” was my favorite song of last summer. The fact is that Staind was so boring that I couldn’t even bring myself to sing the songs I knew and loved. It was quite a departure from their opener, Breaking Benjamin, who moved around a lot and really got the crowd into it.

So without further ado, here are some things you can do to pass the time if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself at the Staind concert:

•People-Watch
•Stare the attractive women (or dudes, if that’s your thing)
•Make fun of Staind with friend
•Wonder why Breaking Benjamin isn’t still playing
•Daydream
•Shout “TURN DOWN THE SUCK!”
•Play the “What Percentage of My Yawns Can I Successfully Stifle” Game
•Pretend that you are still listening to Breaking Benjamin
•Ponder how Aaron Lewis looks like he does in pictures while being much heavier and slightly more Hawaiian looking in person
•Try to find the 45 year-old lady that gave you a high-five after noticing you were wearing a Down and Above shirt
•Try to mentally tally the Snake-Count in Snakes on a Plane
•Wonder how Aaron Lewis could say we are the “Greatest fucking fans in the world” and then not do an encore
•Debate asking out cute girl/guy you know
•Hate people who use their cell phones in the place of lighters
•Imagine there was a terrorist in the nightclub and then imagine Jack Bauer busting in and apprehending said terrorist.
•Look above you to see whether or not you will get hit if someone in the balcony drops their drink
•Wish you were drunk
•Shout “WOE IS ME!” during all the lulls in the songs
•Search for a suitable surface built into the nightclub to slit your wrists
•Knit
•Mentally play Spider Solitaire
•Manage your fantasy football team
•Crowd surf…the opposite direction – out the door
•Thumb-wrestle yourself
•Challenge a stranger to a game of chess in the alley after the show
•Have a statue contest with Aaron Lewis
•Debate who to vote for in upcoming elections
•Wonder what Alec Baldwin is doing at this very second
•Think of things you would put on a list of things to do at a Staind concert