Rites of Patches

I am on record as stating that no bug should be large enough to have hair. The only time I’ll even consider making an exception is when the bug is in a large glass case carried by The Rock with Tracy Morgan nearby threatening it.

Needless to say, I was not pleased when a spider decided to make itself known to me in my bathroom. It didn’t crawl out from the wall or jump out from a vent. It LOWERED ITSELF FROM THE CEILING like it was the most terrifying 1996 Tom Cruise possible.

There’s little I’m less interested in experiencing than catching a rappelling spider with my peripheral vision while my genitals are exposed.

Maybe a different scene with laser grids will cleanse my palate…

There. Now that’s an improvement over spid-

Goddammit! Abort! Abort!