Rites of Patches

Has it seriously already come to this? Christmas commercials three weeks before Halloween? And also, who the hell buys Christmas toys at Mills Fleet Farm? Who goes to Mills Fleet Farm for anything, much less to check out the toys in the dollar aisle? Am I really that old that I can remember the day when Christmas waited for Thanksgiving to end? I can already picture myself telling my grandchildren about the Old Days.

(Old Man Jacob and grandkids are watching television in June 2067, probably a Law & Order series starring the cryogenically frozen bodies of Jerry Orbach and Vincent D’Onofrio. A Christmas commercial comes on.)

Old Man Me: (In crusty old man voice) Why I remember the days when the stores waited for the leaves to fall off the trees before they put Christmas commercials on.
Grandkids: Really, grandpa? Tell us more!
Old Man Me: Well, kids. This was back before the Great Storm of ’23-
Grandkids: Yeah, grandpa, that was sarcasm… (Old Man Jacob starts crying) Grandpa, did you shit your pants again?

And I just decided I’m never having kids.

It’s not the rampant commercialism or capitalism that bothers me. I rather like those things, as they have given me the opportunities I have today. What bothers me is that we totally skip over Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving shouldn’t be skipped over. It is National Holiday and a great celebration. A celebration of our great conquests of the Native Americans. A celebration of that great day in 1987, when President George Washington, General Robert E. Lee, and Alicia Silverstone defeated the Native American Army at Gettysburg, securing our future from the tyrannical clutches of the Space T-Rexs with laser eyes. And on that great battlefield, Vin Diesel gave his great speech, the I Have a Dream Speech, where he dreamed of the day that America would be free to pursue life, liberty, and righteous babes. He then tucked his genitals between his legs and proudly displayed the first “Vin-gina.”

Is this what we have come to? Have we forgotten all for which we have fought? Please, contact your local Congressman-or-woman. Remind them of what this country is all about. Remind them that we have a sacred contract with the country’s citizens to fulfill the promise of the Declaration of Independence: liberty for the rich and White, Arby’s gift certificates for many, and free internet porn for all.

Thank you, good night, and God Bless America!