Posted by: Rites of Patches | February 3, 2009

An Imagined Meeting at NBC Headquarters Regarding the New Fall Schedule

Jeff Zucker: Alright, folks. What do we have for the new season? We need “fresh!” We need to get back to the top!
Moron 1: Well, I thought we could do this sci-fi epic drama, right?
Zucker: I like it, go on…
Moron 1: So, it’s set in space. And there are these humans, but they’re attacked by robots called Cyloffs. So they have to-
Zucker: Wait a second? Cyloffs?
Moron 1: Yeah, and the humans are, get this, looking for Earth!
Zucker: That actually sounds a lot like Battlestar Galactica.
Moron 1: Ummmm….Battlewhat?
Moron 2: Okay, so I have this show. It’s about terrorists, but here’s the kicker. IT’S IN REAL TIME!
Moron 3: So they’re on this island, right?
Zucker: You know what? Fuck it. Give Howie Mandel and Jay Leno more shows.

Woman: What a nice dinner. I could use a little more wine, though.
Man: What happened to our waiter?

Waiter: Hello. I’m your waiter, Bobby Incognito. What can I get for you?

Woman: Can I get more wine, please?

Waiter: Nope, sorry. We’re all out.

Man: Excuse me?

Howie: THIS IS HOWIE DO IT!

Woman & Man Together: Awww, Shit!

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Posted in TV | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Posted by: Rites of Patches | February 2, 2009

10 Best Albums of 2008

I’m going to come right out and say it: 2008 was not a good year for music. An avid metal fan, I found this year’s crop to be suffering from blight and the boll weevils. The South hates boll weevils. Therefore, I love boll weevils. Therefore, I’ve digressed.

2007 was spectacular. If you are a rock or metal fan, there were eighteen must-buy albums. Eighteen. This year, there were five. Hell, I needed to add a couple mediocre albums just to make it to 10.

So, it is with great apathy that I present to you the 10 Best Rock and Metal Albums of 2008.

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Posted in Music | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by: Rites of Patches | January 25, 2009

If Max Payne Were More Honest

From the studio that brought you "The Happening," "Alvin and the Chipmunks," "Meet the Spartans," and uncountable other war crimes...

From the studio that brought you The Happening, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Meet the Spartans, and uncountable other war crimes...

Marky Mark:  I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in joy. I don’t believe in multiple facial expressions. I believe in pain…….MAX PAYNE!

*Warning Spoilers*
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Posted by: Rites of Patches | January 24, 2009

Based on the country’s expectations for him…

Here's Hoping...

Here's Hoping...

Is it bad that whenever I see Obama, I immediately think of Han Solo’s line to Lando in The Return of the Jedi?  “Good luck…You’re gonna need it.”

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Posted by: Rites of Patches | January 19, 2009

A Short Play Based on the Time I Locked My Keys In My Car Despite Several Safety Mechanisms Designed to Prevent This Very Thing

[Enter Me & Dodge Dynasty]

Me: Well, time to go to work. Just need to grab my keys, turn off the lights, and lock the door. Wait, what’s that on the floor? (Plays coy in order to lull the car into a false sense of security.)
Car: You’re not fooling me! You better remove those keys!
Me: Well, time to go. (Turns off headlights and attempts to seal the deal by locking the door)
Car: Oh no you don’t! (Anticipates me and refuses to lock the doors with my keys in the ignition.)
Me: Goddammit! What’s wrong with the locks on this thing? (Plays around with the locks, trying to convince the car that I thought there was a bad fuse or something.)
Car: You dumbass! It’s a safety feature. It makes sure you can’t lock the keys in.
Me: What did you say, car? (Stalling for time while desperately attempting to get the lock to work, finally succeeding after closing the door just enough so that it does not shut, but the lights are off.)
Car: NOOOO!!!!!!! MY WEAKNESS!!!!!! I MUST HAVE THE INTERIOR LIGHTS ON!!!!!
Car: Don’t do it! You don’t won’t be able to get back in!
Me: HAHA! I WIN CAR! EAT A DICK! A WHOLE BAG OF THEM! (realizes that he can’t get back in) Goddammit…

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Posted by: Rites of Patches | January 19, 2009

Welcome

Greetings, fair internet user. Allow me to introduce myself. Basically, I’m a giant asshole that feels the need to publicly express satirical disdain for the world I see around me. You see, a normal human being would be content with either keeping their thoughts to themselves, or at the very least, speaking to people who actually care. I am not one of these people. Again…asshole. Let me stress that.

Therefore, it with great pride and an overinflated sense of self that I unveil this website. The plan is to offer a humorous, if sacrastic & satirical, slant on anything and everything.

Feel free to contact me at ritesofpatches@gmail.com. Comments are also always welcome, unless you too are a douchebag. There’s only room for one of those around here.

With that said, let the self-indulgence begin!

THE STORY BEHIND THE NAME “RITES OF PATCHES.”

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Posted by: Rites of Patches | June 20, 2008

The Pros and Cons of Peeing on Jeff Van Gundy If He Were on Fire

I’ve had to make some pretty tough decisions in my day. In fact, my life as a whole has been ludicrously challenging. Really though, how else, aside from hard work and smart decision-making, can you attribute the success of a White male in America who grew up in a loving, lower-middle class home? You can’t. That question was rhetorical.

I had to decide whether to leave a part-time job for a full-time job (Full-time). I had to decide whether or not to have ice cream (whether). I had to decide whether to buy the new Disturbed cd or the new 10 Years cd (both). And I had to decide between plastic or paper (Paper. A felled tree killed my father and I have swore vengeance ever since). As you can see, single mothers who need to choose between taking a 3rd job or allowing their family to starve to death ain’t got nothing on me. The bottom line is that my life is really hard. And the only way it could become any more difficult is if I would be confronted with the situation described in the title.

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Posted by: Rites of Patches | March 27, 2008

Gandhi vs. Jesus: The Ultimate Showdown

I’ve come to the realization that nothing on this earth is more satisfying than having something you have said end up on someone else’s Facebook Quote Wall. Maybe bacon. Okay, yes, bacon is more satisfying than a quote wall appearance, but only so long as it is crispy. But I digress.

Recently, I asked a favor of a friend, who was of great assistance. In my “thank you” post, I included a ridiculous comment, as I do with all “Thank You” posts, “Happy Birthday” posts, “How Have You Been” posts, “I’m sorry for your loss” posts, and pretty much any post where I can substitute a random comment for genuine communication. (Read: All of them)

A couple weeks later, I was procrastinating on Facebook (stalking is such a strong term…), when I discovered that my random comment had made it on my friend’s quote wall. Like I said, this is one of the greatest feelings ever. Think about what the quote board means: Someone else has deemed something you said so hilarious, or so life-altering, that it deserves to be displayed for others to see. That just plain rocks, especially if you are an attention whore with low self-esteem (such as myself).

As I was reflecting on this phenomenon, and by reflecting, I mean procrastinating further, I began to wonder if this is as big a deal to others as it is to me. Do others also feel this way? Is there some way to keep track of these things? Is this some sort of competition for dead people who said famous things?

If so, I would imagine it would go something like this:

Ronald Reagan: Hey, guys. What’s up?
Mahatmas Gandhi: Hey, Ron. Not much. Jesus and I are just talking about Facebook.
Jesus H. Christ: Yeah, and about how I’m on more people’s quote boards than Gandhi.
Reagan: Well, I’ve gotta be up there too. “Tear down this wall!” “Win one for the Gipper!” “Slipped the surly bonds of Earth.” That’s some good shit right there.
Jesus: (Rolls his eyes) Great Communicator or not, MY autobiography is a best-seller.
James Blunt: (Enters) Hey, brahs. I’ve totally got all of you beat.
Gandhi: No way! Jesus?
Jesus: (Types) Yeah, he’s right. Ronnie, you’re on about 20,000 profiles.
Reagan: Not bad…
Jesus: Gandhi, you’re at about 32,000 profiles; mostly hippies using your “Be the change you want to see” quote…
Gandhi: Aw, sweet! I didn’t think that one would make it up there!
Jesus: …I’m over 231,000 profiles, although half of them say that I hate fags.
Reagan: Really?
Jesus: Yeah. I don’t remember saying anything like that. Oh well…And James Blunt is on 975,000 profiles, mostly college girls who have never been exposed to anything even vaguely resembling decent music.
Gandhi: I could have called that one.
James Blunt: YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!
Gandhi: (Shakes his head)
Jesus: I fucking hate that guy.

So there you have it. Jesus hates James Blunt. So, hate James Blunt too, or face eternal damnation.

I hate James Blunt and I approved this message. And also my other hobbies, which include rescuing kittens from trees and sit-ups. I’m available, ladies! RAWR!

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Posted in Music, Random | Tags: , , , , , ,

Posted by: Rites of Patches | July 25, 2007

Babies, Jeff Goldblum, and Other People I Don’t Want To See My Penis

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I would like to take this opportunity to bring a very disturbing new trend you your attention. No, not the fact that I referenced my penis, forcing you to conjure an uncomfortable mental image. Wait…Actually, I would like to take this opportunity to bring two disturbing trends to your attention. The first one is the one about my penis.

Second, I believe that the sanctity of the public bathroom is being violated. A public restroom should be kind of like a church: A sanctuary from the outside world and a place where you can pee. When I enter a public restroom, I expect two things: First, I expect a seat crawling with herpes, hepatitis, crabs, and crabs with herpes and hepatitis. Second, I expect a little peace and quiet. I expect to feel as comfortable as a man can be inches from STIs and their ensuing infertility. All of this beckons a very serious question. Why are there people looking at me as I pee?

Personally, I blame Jeff Goldblum. It all started when a small group of citizens discovered that the Jurassic Park actor was watching them as they were splitting a deuce. In response, these upright townspeople started the public service website jeffgoldblumiswatchingyoupoop.com (Ed: Site no longer exists). Thanks to their efforts, Mr. Goldblum was ejected from our stall and back onto the B-List where he belongs. However, advertisers realized that the public restroom was the only place in the contiguous United States they had not plastered with ads.

Because of Jeff Goldblum, both Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo are watching me pee. As I am urinating, I get to stare at the three stars of the movie Zodiac, which a poster above the urinal was promoting. Jake Gyllenhaal and his sunken doe-eyes would be creepy enough, but the combination of Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo is just downright intimidating. Even worse, Robert Downey Jr. can’t even make eye contact with me. He seems to be looking off to the right for some reason. Is he trying to avoid peeking? Or is he just that ashamed of my manhood? GODDAMMIT, DOWNEY! ANSWER ME!

Of course, all of this pales in comparison with my experience at the St. Cloud Mexican Village. I enter the Hombre’s Room to relieve myself. As I am in the process of doing so, I notice an advertisement in front of me. It is for a daycare center and features several babies looking directly into my eyes. Now, let me tell you something: You can never feel as disgusting and disturbed as you feel when you realize there is a baby watching you hold your genetalia. Never mind that you are just executing a simple function of the excretory system. It’s horrible. Therefore, I immediately declare public restrooms off limits to babies . That shit is just plain creepy.

Schlong

Baby's First Word: Schlong

So, what is the point of all this: You never know who is watching you poop.

y

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Posted in Movie, Random | Tags: , , , , ,

Posted by: Rites of Patches | May 14, 2007

I’m a Professional

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So, as many of you know, I graduated on Sunday. I am no longer a college student and am now an Alum and a responsible member of adult society. Today, the day after graduation, I became a professional. I had my first substitute teaching gig at a high school teaching Algebra, of all things. Thankfully, teaching math as a sub means handing out a worksheet and forgetting how to solve quadratic equations, both of which I managed to succeed in accomplishing.

Professionals need to be ready for all things. In times of danger, we need to be ready to respond quickly and appropriately. In times like these, the true professional will rise to the occasion. In the true spirit of my forefathers before me, I now know, in a situation like this, I can be counted on…To fail miserably.

It is the last period of the day, and also immediately after lunch. I settle my students down, take attendance, and give instructions for their assignment. All is going well in my first ever actual day teaching and then some freshman girl starts ralphing all over the place.

BLAHHH!!!!!!

So, I have this girl upchucking all over my room, students jumping up with panic, and I know I must do something……So, I start laughing. I know there is something I should be doing to help things, but barf is funny. After a couple good belly laughs, I finally get a hold of myself and take care of the situation.

No lesson in this story, folks. Some kid heaved lunch on my first day of class. That’s f’n cool.

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Posted in Life | Tags: , , ,

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