Rites of Patches

I’ve come to the realization that nothing on this earth is more satisfying than having something you have said end up on someone else’s Facebook Quote Wall. Maybe bacon. Okay, yes, bacon is more satisfying than a quote wall appearance, but only so long as it is crispy. But I digress.

Recently, I asked a favor of a friend, who was of great assistance. In my “thank you” post, I included a ridiculous comment, as I do with all “Thank You” posts, “Happy Birthday” posts, “How Have You Been” posts, “I’m sorry for your loss” posts, and pretty much any post where I can substitute a random comment for genuine communication. (Read: All of them)

A couple weeks later, I was procrastinating on Facebook (stalking is such a strong term…), when I discovered that my random comment had made it on my friend’s quote wall. Like I said, this is one of the greatest feelings ever. Think about what the quote board means: Someone else has deemed something you said so hilarious, or so life-altering, that it deserves to be displayed for others to see. That just plain rocks, especially if you are an attention whore with low self-esteem (such as myself).

As I was reflecting on this phenomenon, and by reflecting, I mean procrastinating further, I began to wonder if this is as big a deal to others as it is to me. Do others also feel this way? Is there some way to keep track of these things? Is this some sort of competition for dead people who said famous things?

If so, I would imagine it would go something like this:

Ronald Reagan: Hey, guys. What’s up?
Mahatmas Gandhi: Hey, Ron. Not much. Jesus and I are just talking about Facebook.
Jesus H. Christ: Yeah, and about how I’m on more people’s quote boards than Gandhi.
Reagan: Well, I’ve gotta be up there too. “Tear down this wall!” “Win one for the Gipper!” “Slipped the surly bonds of Earth.” That’s some good shit right there.
Jesus: (Rolls his eyes) Great Communicator or not, MY autobiography is a best-seller.
James Blunt: (Enters) Hey, brahs. I’ve totally got all of you beat.
Gandhi: No way! Jesus?
Jesus: (Types) Yeah, he’s right. Ronnie, you’re on about 20,000 profiles.
Reagan: Not bad…
Jesus: Gandhi, you’re at about 32,000 profiles; mostly hippies using your “Be the change you want to see” quote…
Gandhi: Aw, sweet! I didn’t think that one would make it up there!
Jesus: …I’m over 231,000 profiles, although half of them say that I hate fags.
Reagan: Really?
Jesus: Yeah. I don’t remember saying anything like that. Oh well…And James Blunt is on 975,000 profiles, mostly college girls who have never been exposed to anything even vaguely resembling decent music.
Gandhi: I could have called that one.
James Blunt: YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!
Gandhi: (Shakes his head)
Jesus: I fucking hate that guy.

So there you have it. Jesus hates James Blunt. So, hate James Blunt too, or face eternal damnation.

I hate James Blunt and I approved this message. And also my other hobbies, which include rescuing kittens from trees and sit-ups. I’m available, ladies! RAWR!