Posted by: Rites of Patches | January 19, 2009

A Short Play Based on the Time I Locked My Keys In My Car Despite Several Safety Mechanisms Designed to Prevent This Very Thing

[Enter Me & Dodge Dynasty]

Me: Well, time to go to work. Just need to grab my keys, turn off the lights, and lock the door. Wait, what’s that on the floor? (Plays coy in order to lull the car into a false sense of security.)
Car: You’re not fooling me! You better remove those keys!

Me: Well, time to go. (Turns off headlights and attempts to seal the deal by locking the door)

Car: Oh no you don’t! (Anticipates me and refuses to lock the doors with my keys in the ignition.)

Me: Goddammit! What’s wrong with the locks on this thing? (Plays around with the locks, trying to convince the car that I thought there was a bad fuse or something.)

Car: You dumbass! It’s a safety feature. It makes sure you can’t lock the keys in.

Me: What did you say, car? (Stalling for time while desperately attempting to get the lock to work, finally succeeding after closing the door just enough so that it does not shut, but the lights are off.)

Car: NOOOO!!!!!!! MY WEAKNESS!!!!!! I MUST HAVE THE INTERIOR LIGHTS ON!!!!!

Car: Don’t do it! You don’t won’t be able to get back in!

Me: HAHA! I WIN CAR! EAT A DICK! A WHOLE BAG OF THEM! (realizes that he can’t get back in) Goddammit…

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Responses

  1. I did this last semester… had to pay $30 for my stupidity…

    As your friend and also as someone who might end up making a living off of other people’s typos, I feel obligated to tell you that you spelled “occasional” wrong at the top of your website.

    Fix it.

  2. I totally have a job for you. It involved lots of effort proofreading things. Unfortunately, all I have to offer you as compensation are stale animal crackers and the occasional “atta-girl.”

  3. Negative. I’m gonna need at least $12 an hour.

    But, if I do notice something, you can be assured that I’ll point it out… that’s just my way.

  4. You really cannot insult anymore more than by saying “Eat a dick!” We need to bring that one back (opens door for sexual attack responses).

  5. You should write a follow post to this one about when your door wouldn’t shut and Justin, Andy, and I took pictures of you and laughed…


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