I am somewhat well-known for being a planner. Friends always say, “Hey, Patches, you should be more spontaneous.” I carefully consider their advice before deciding against it. I also spend the next week carefully planning putting my balls on my friends’ faces. Who the hell do they think they are pointing out my weaknesses anyways?
Ummm… Yeah, that’s exactly what I meant
After all that teabagging and mushroom stamping, I suppose it’s really not much of a surprise that I couldn’t find anyone to go with me to the Band of Horses concert at the State Theater. Thankfully, I ran into an old friend there, Mick G. Light.
My Ever Faithful Friend
Mick and I met in college. Good guy.
Mick and I went to find our seats in the balcony. We were very confused for a bit since neither of us could read or match the strange, mystical symbols on our tickets with the ones on our seats. Since we were so clueless, an usher who looked like the guy that sold me my car found my seat for me.
Renaldo will sell the muthafuckin’ shit outta that muthafuckin’ car!
The opening band was Bryan Cates. I have nothing against the guy, but I hate him. Yeah, ponder that statement for a moment. I had a hard time getting over a couple of things with their show. First, Bryan seemed like a pretty good dude, but he wore a tie that looked like a shadow. It was the perfect color so that whenever it moved, I tried to figure out what moved in front of him. Not cool. Also, their lead guitarist wore crocs. I fucking hate that guy. Green ones too.
Not acceptable
Finally, they had a guy that looked like Christopher Titus in a v-neck t-shirt with a maraca and tambourine.
Pretty much this
Now… Call me a metal snob if you will, but it is never, NEVER, necessary to have a guy in your band just to shake two jingly things. (This would be the place where a less mature author would make a joke about sweet boobs.*) If your instruments can be played by an elementary-schooler, you are not needed in a band. There is no song ever written that needs a tambourine so badly that all the band members need to give up 5% of their check. That’s all that having a 5th guy in your band to play the tambourine is: a 20% pay cut. My future metal band, Love Drool (assuming I can get the proper permissions from the creator), will not have a tambourine player. Keyboardist? It’s possible. 2nd percussionist? It’s a stretch, but maybe. Tambourine player? Fuck no.
Band of Horses was awesome.
BONUS: 3 Things You Didn’t Know
1) Band of Horses is the world’s 3rd largest exporter of ironic facial hair.
2) Someone actually owns a #24 Mike Lamb Twins shirt. 80% of TWINS FANS will say “Who the fuck is that? Is that guy’s name Lamb?” The other 20% will say “Why the fuck does that guy have a Mike Lamb shirt? That guy fucking blew.”
3) Black people love Band of Horses. The two Black people I saw at the concert clapped after every song!
*
Really? You thought I was above this?
Rites of Patches 
Leave a Reply