Rites of Patches

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for tuning into tonight’s ESPN special, LeBron James’ LeBron James Special on LeBron James’ Decision for LeBron James, starring LeBron James.

These past few months have been difficult for me. Making this decision has been the most difficult in my life. I considered many different options and different choices. I consulted my mom and we agreed that the most important thing for me is to have fun. After several agonizing weeks, I have finally made a decision. Which is…

Fuck you, City of Cleveland.

Fuck you, Cleveland, Ohio. I don’t know how to say it any more bluntly. Fuck you. You are a garbage pit of a city and I hate you. I want to say “fuck you” so badly that I wrangled an hour of airtime from ESPN to say it. Sure, we can all pretend that it’s for the Boys & Girls Club, but let’s be honest; I don’t give a shit about them. This is LeBron James’ time to say “Seriously, Cleveland, fuck you and eat a bag of dicks.”

Furthermore, Cleveland,

Remember that shit? How’d that feel? Pretty good? No? That’s okay, because without me, you’ll never find yourself in that situation again. Fuck You. Also,

Don't Worry. It's Game 7. He'll come through.

Wow, you guys were really close that year. Soooo close, yet soooo far. I would say something clever about some players on the Indians this year, but I have never heard of any of them before. Too bad you are a hopeless, pathetic mess of a city. Fuck you. In addendum, skip forward to about the 6:45 mark of this one. It starts getting good right around there.

HAHAHAHAHA! REALLY! HATE HIM! Hate the only reason you were there in the first place. Fuck you, Cleveland. Here’s one more.

What a Dick

Oooh, that one’s gonna sting too. The King is abdicating. Remember all those times I said I was going to take Cleveland to the Promised Land? Fuck. You.

So to conclude, I fucking hate you, Cleveland, and am in no way grateful to the city, the fans, or anything that you have done to make me the face of the NBA. Fuck you.
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Oh yeah, I almost forgot…I will be taking my talents to South Beach and the Miami Heat.