Rites of Patches

Bob Costas: Hello, everyone and welcome to Football Night in America. We’re here tonight to see a Week 6 showdown between the Atlanta Falcons and the Chicago Bears.

Costas: With me tonight, as usual, are former NFL stars Tiki Barber, Jerome Bettis, and Chris Collinsworth, and former Lions CEO Matt Millen. Jerome, let’s start with you. What should we be watching for tonight?

Jerome Bettis: Tonight’s match up features two of the premiere quarterbacks in the NFL. Jay Cutler took a lot of flak for whining his way out of Denver. Now it’s time for him to put his money where his mouth is. Matt Ryan was anointed a future superstar last year. Can he compete with one of the better quarterbacks in the NFL right now? Bob…

Costas: Tiki?

Tiki Barber: I wouldn’t look at that position. I would look at the running back position. When you talk about critical positions in the NFL, you go to the backs first. After all, if a team allowed its All-Pro running back to retire, certainly you wouldn’t expect that team to win the Super Bowl the next year, especially after said running back gave the game everything he had only to get nothing in return. Fucking Eli Manning-

Costas: Alright, Tiki, I’m gonna cut you off there, you sad, bitter little man. Chris?

Chris Collinsworth: Well, Bob, first off, I think calling me a star is a little generous, but thanks. (Chuckles all around, except for Tiki, who quietly weeps) Tonight is all about defense. The high-powered Falcons offense versus the solid Chicago defense or the respectable Bears aerial attack against a lackluster Falcons secondary. Take your pick. Bob…

Costas: Matt, what are your thoughts on the evening?

Matt Millen: 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. (Everyone chuckles) 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16. 0-16.

Tiki (softly): Jerome? What’s it feel like? To win a Super Bowl?

Costas: I heard nothing you actually said, Matt. How the fuck do you have a job? Let’s send it to Keith Olbermann at our NBC studios in Chicago.

Costas: Thanks, Keith. Alright, we’re ready to go. Let’s go to Faith Hill since we’re paying the bitch millions to rip off a fucking Joan Jett song. See you at halftime!