Rites of Patches

This July, I spent two weeks abroad in the United Kingdom. Two friends and I spent five days in London, followed by seven days in Scotland. The stories that follow are totally true and not in any way exaggerated or embellished.

Day 2

The best part of getting all our shit stolen was dealing with the police the next day.

It was like combining every buddy cop movie ever with every awesome stereotype concerning a team of English constables. One was irreverent and hilarious, cracking jokes all the time. The other played the straight man, making hilarious faces and shaking his head at us whenever the first guy said something particularly ridiculous.

I think my favorite moment was when one of them made fun of the Scots with a Scottish brogue. I had never really considered that people with accents could do accented accents of other accents. It was awesome to discover that other countries have stereotypes for people from other sections of their country too.

Basically, I’m glad Americans aren’t the only assholes in the world. Perhaps the biggest assholes, but not the only assholes. We are Amurica, dammit! We go all out for everything, including being fuckheads.

Artist’s rendition of the world’s biggest asshole

We spent most of the day walking all over the city. Those of you traveling to London who plan on walking, buy walking shoes. I thought my shoes were good enough for the amount of walking we were going to do. I can assure you that if you have the same thoughts, that idea is false.

Remember, no exaggerations here

Very, very false.

I spent much of my day with St. Jerome, St. Sebastian, and my homie, Eurocentric Jesus. Please check out THIS ARTICLE for a very brief explanation.