Posted by: Rites of Patches | June 27, 2009

The Creature Movie Survival Handbook


When was the last time you found yourself confronted by a fire-spitting ancient evil and no where to turn? Yesterday? Dude, that’s fucked up. Thankfully, there is help. This handy guide will help anyone thinking about boarding a derelict spaceship/spelunking in underground caves/deep sea diving where there is a possibility for undersea aliens. Here are some helpful tips if you wish to get home alive/see the sunlight again/make it to the surface.

Chapter 1: Don’t Be Black.Dead, Dead, and Dead

Dead, Dead, and Dead

The first one should be obvious. The darker your skin pigment, the less chance you have for survival. It’s not fair, but it really is that simple. It’s like melanin is cocaine cheesecake for evil. You might have a chance if you are a lead black guy ala LL Cool J in Deep Blue Sea. Then again, LL Cool J might be a bad example for anything at this point.

Being the lead black guy didn’t help Samuel L. Jackson in that movie, despite being the smartest, most experienced, and the loudest talker. It probably goes without saying that you have absolutely no prayer if you are the token black guy. Token black guys should just save the creatures the hassle and end it themselves rather than suffer the ignominious fate of being the first one killed. Every creature movie has a token black guy, generally a tough-minded sergeant or other henchman, and is one of the earlier ones to go.

Chapter 2: Don’t Be a Minority in GeneralAlso Dead and Dead

Also Dead and Dead

Come to think of it, being a minority is just bad mojo. You try to escape the stereotypes and discrimination of the world by going on vacation and/or hijacking a cruise ship/submersible/ cargo vessel. Then you find that this vacation/felony is no escape at all. Sorry. Whatever stereotype you are cast as: the swinging, ladies-man Latino, the no-nonsense Asian or Native American, or even the smart, but panicky, Jew, it doesn’t matter – you’re gonna die.

FAQ: I am a member of these races or ethnic groups, but I do not fit the above descriptions. Does this Chapter still apply to me?

Answer: Yes, it does. Remember that you are in a Hollywood movie. They haven’t met a minority that they couldn’t reduce to a stereotype to court the wallets of the least common denominator. You may want to make sure you have all your affairs in order.

Chapter 3: Be Male, but Not ButchDead...SEXY THAT IS!

Dead...SEXY THAT IS!

If you plan on surviving, try to be as male as possible. This will not dramatically improve your odds, however, as the movie will need a high body count to be interesting and you have plenty of other white guys to compete with.

If you are female, you have a difficult needle to thread. First and foremost, do not become the highly-competent butch chick AT ALL COSTS!! This woman NEVER survives the movie. This might seem surprising, but think about what this women adds to the movie. She’s doesn’t add to the sexiness of the movie, and most damning of all is that her competency often makes the white men look bad. This means she has to go.

Women can survive creature movies in a couple of ways. First, they can be the perfect combination of male and female. You may want to model yourself after Ripley from the Alien movies. Ripley is a tough-ass kicker, but is still female, as evidenced by the scenes where she consoles crying girls and re-enters the gauntlet of hell to retrieve the cat she left behind. This character is generally a brunette. Blondes are apparently too dumb and cute for this type of work and I guess red-heads are too feisty to operate in group situations.

The other way a woman can survive is by being really hot, but not irritatingly hot. She has to be really cute, but not cute in the way that makes you think “What would it be like if the alien/monster decapitated her and sucked all the liquid out of her body?” Of course, being a hot bimbo in the beginning and slowly becoming more and more competent as the movie goes on is always a good choice too, especially if you can save the life of a white male at some point.

Chapter 4: Show Devotion for Random Innocent Characters and/or Comic ReliefHelp me, pretty pwease...

Help me, pretty pwease...

This is the real paradox. The cute character, such as Cindy the Orphan or Muffles the Calico Cat, only slows you down, but yet somehow they always survive. It shouldn’t be possible, but that’s just how it goes down. Go back for Muffles. Yes, the research facility is about to explode and you will have to plow through hordes of alien minions to get them, but doing so guarantees survival. If you leave without the cute kid or animal, or most horrifying of all, both, you will only end up like the guy who leaves the stragglers behind. Sure he gets away from the explosion, but he will always fly into a comet, get eaten by a creature stowed away on his ship, or disposed of in a similarly ironic fashion.

Chapter 5: Don’t Trust Anyone in a SuitLeft: Only wants money    Right: Only wants superweapon

Left: Only wants money Right: Only wants superweapon

It is critical that you remember that the person or group responsible for your troubles will always wear a suit or uniform. Corporate officials are all corrupt and the only thing the military is interested in is a really huge super-weapon, even if it has to sacrifice their most talented Extreme Military Ass-Kicking Team (EMAKT) to get it. After all, Sean Penn says that all corporations want is money and the interests of companies and consumers can never intersect. When was the last time you went to a store willing to give someone money for food only to find that those GOD-DAMNED AND ACCURSED COMPANIES ARE ONLY WILLING TO TRADE FOOD FOR YOUR MONEY? Just remember that the corporate guy is only in it for himself and will double-cross you at a moment’s notice, only to run off into certain death later in the movie.

The other thing to remember is that the military is inherently evil and can never be trusted. If there is anyone who ranks higher than a Major, they are only in it for the super-weapon. The military is not here to protect you and the super-weapon is always unnecessary. Until you unleash a nuclear bomb on the bad guy’s planet. Then super-weapons are okay. If you see a military guy and a corporate guy within ten feet of each other, they are probably conspiring to orchestrate your downfall. After all, money should never be a factor in military projects, even if it was a system of competition that gave birth to planes and warships superior to that of the Soviet Union.

Never trust anyone in a suit. They all have ulterior motives. It’s okay, however, to trust them early on, but become more and more suspicious as the movie does on, finally exposing them after their first failed attempt to kill everyone else and take the money/super-weapon for themselves.

Chapter 6: Have More than One CharacteristicDead pilot in the last happy moment of his life

Dead pilot in the last happy moment of his life

No matter what, you have no chance if you just have only a name and a job. “Hey! This is Private Pilot. She is the pilot for our military aircraft. She is going to die.” The same goes for the guy who is the mechanic, the grunt who offers encouragement, or the dude that flips out and loses his cool. All we know about these people is that the first one is a mechanic and will die, the second one is calm and will die, and the third one can’t get a grip on the situation and will die.

Chapter 7: So Will You Die?If you haven't seen The Mist, you need to

If you haven't seen The Mist, you need to

Alright, folks. Remember these helpful tips if you ever get into a stressful chased-by-alien situation. If the reason you purchased this guide isn’t directly behind you (You may want to check right now to prevent an especially ironic death), take this little survey and score yourself.

1. Are you white?

2. Are you male?

3. If no for #2, are you romantically linked with a white male?

4. Did you remember not to trust the guy in the suit?

5. Does the audience know more than your name and what you do?

Scoring: 1 point for yes, 0 points for no.

5 – Congratulations. You’ll survive the movie, probably being the hero who vanquishes the dreadful foe. As an added bonus, you’ll also get to have sex with the hot surviving chick at the end. And she’s probably got sweet boobs.

You'll be hitting this...

You'll be hitting this...

4 – Flip a coin. You might make it or you might not. You’ll survive if you are the romantic interest of a surviving white male; or if the writers are nice enough, you might be the token surviving “extra.” Or maybe you’ll just be killed off as the bad guy, disruptive good guy, or woman that tragically gets killed in the beginning of the movie, allowing the main character to show grief and overcome his fears and loss in order to have sex with the hot surviving chick with sweet boobs at the end of the movie.

Pictured Again: Sweet Boobs

Pictured Again: Sweet Boobs

3, 2, 1, or 0 – You’re fucked.

That's your tombstone if there's any ambiguity here

That's your tombstone if there's any ambiguity here

Chapter 5: Don’t Trust Anyone in a Suit
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