That said, I still know music, and thus, boldly and confidently, I butcher the 10 Best Albums of 2010 to which I listened.

10. Tepetricy – The Intangibles of Tomorrow

It’s with pleasure that I introduce all four of you reading this to a band you’ve never heard of. Tepetricy is an indie Minneapolis progressive metal band. They specialize in big, keyboard-laden epics, with fantastic lyrics to boot. Their guitarist is incredible live, despite some rather eccentric mannerisms. As my friend Dylan said, “That guitarist is either knee deep in dude or knee deep in poon.” Either way, good for him. He earns it.

9. Crystal Castles – Crystal Castles (II)

This should be your first indication that something has changed since last year. Looking at the last two years, I mentioned art rock bands, alternative rock bands, progressive rock bands, metal bands, alternative metal bands, metalcore bands, progressive metal bands, and progressive death metal bands. Notice the common words “rock” and “metal” in those genres. Electronic duo Crystal Castles managed to capture my attention last year with a dramatic, diverse, and sonically dense album. A couple of the brasher songs are worth skipping, but it’s tough to find a miss on this album.

8. Pretty Lights – Glowing in the Darkest Night or Making Up a Changing Mind or Spilling Over Every Side

This should be your second indication. I had a tough time picking out one of Pretty Lights’ album-length EPs from this year, so I am sticking them together. Cop out? Yes. Give a shit? Nope. I tend to enjoy focused eclecticism, if that happens to be a thing. I love diverse albums, but not if they wander all over the place for no reason. Pretty Lights pulls you in with an up-tempo, electronic hip-hop song, gets funky in the next, slows it down for the next, and continues until you get an hour of music that flows together, but never gets stale *COUGH*DISTURBED* COUGH*. If you can listen to any of these albums without bouncing around in your seat, I will give you twenty dollars. Although I will require video evidence. Hot, naked, female evidence… Where was I?…

7. Hephystus – Burn the Page

Back to the Metal! Hephystus is an indie Progressive Rock band from North Carolina. Despite their progressive label, they tend to stay away from all the pomp and bombast of the progressive genre and focus creating slabs of hard rock that happen to have the occasional odd time signature. Although they have some fantastically corny song titles, such as “Burn the Page” and “Malice in Wonderland,” they are good songwriters and their lyrics are better than their titles indicate.

6. All That Remains – For We Are Many

For We Are Many isn’t terribly different from their last album, Overcome. It is better, though. Their lyrics and songwriting skills have matured with every album and Mike Martin and Oli Herbert are the best guitar soloists in metal today.

5. Soilwork – The Panic Broadcast

Here come the albums this year that hit me deeper than the “Hey, this is good music” level. Soilwork returned to form this year, coinciding with the return of original guitarist Peter Wichers. The Panic Broadcast has a few frantic mashers but mostly consists of the screamed/shouted/growled verses and beautifully sung choruses. The fact is that Soilwork does it better than most bands out there. Their lyrics are above the curve, their guitarists can shred or play emotively, and lead singer Bjorn Strid can change from brutal to beautiful in the blink of an eye.

4. The National – High Violet

Even putting this album here makes me feel dirty inside. For a very long time, I wrote The National off as yet another “hot indie band” that the pretentious assholes (Like Me!) at Rolling Stone or Pitchfork or Paste constantly pimped to maintain their credibility with the bicycle-riding, ironic mustache-sporting, Pabst-swilling hipsters. I was absolutely correct about all of that. However, I was wrong in that I believed that The National didn’t deserve it. I listened to their entire discography in 2010 and Matt Berninger, lead singer and lyricist, is that good. If you want more info, go to any of the abovementioned National-fluffing websites. Let’s face it though, if High Violet is the fifth best album on a metal guy’s list, it’s probably worth checking out.

3. Sevendust – Cold Day Memory

Sevendust was another metal stalwart that saw the return of an original guitarist. Their last album won high praise from me, but there is no doubt that Sevendust got better when Clint Lowery returned. The album isn’t as adventurous as their last outing, but it contains some great lyrics, Lowery’s best guitarwork, and a whole slew of songs that simultaneously kick your physical ass and your emotional ass.

2. Linkin Park – A Thousand Suns

Trust me, I’m just as surprised as you are to find this album here. Somewhere around the 9^th single from Meteora, I got bored with Linkin Park. It took me until January 2010 to listen to 2007’s Minutes to Midnight. I dreaded sonic boredom that much. When I listened to Minutes, I noticed how much more mature that album felt compared to their previous two. A Thousand Suns continues this progression. It’s a concept album with most songs thematically linked to atomic weapons and war. It’s nowhere near as heavy as previous albums, but it is better. Significantly better. I never thought I would use Linkin Park as an example of how a band should evolve and push themselves for better or worse, but here I am. Take notes, Breaking Benjamin. And Disturbed. And Godsmack. And Avenged Sevenfold. And, ahhh, screw it. I’ll quit there.

1. Sully Erna – Avalon

Speaking of Godsmack, I have been perpetually disappointed by their work. They will have two incredible songs on every album. And they will just be great. So good that it makes you optimistic that this was finally the time they constructed a whole album, rather than a vehicle for their singles. IT NEVER HAPPENED! NEVER! In fact, it’s never been close. But, I’ve always been a fan of Sully’s voice, so I grabbed his debut solo album. And it is beautiful. Beautiful beyond description. Beautiful beyond anything I’ve heard in the last three years. It’s completely stripped down. It’s folksy. It’s tribal. It’s Middle Eastern. It’s instrumentally varied. It’s full of deeply personal lyrics. It’s everything that Godsmack is not, namely, something that must be listened to at all costs.

As usual, I’d love to hear your thoughts on anything I got wrong or anything that I left out. Remember though, that I’m right. Unless you are that person that is always right. Then, I might be wrong.

Honorable Mention
Lostprophets – The Betrayed
10 Years – Feeding the Wolves
Stone Temple Pilots – Stone Temple Pilots
Stone Sour- Audio Secrecy
James LaBrie – Static Impulse
Coheed & Cambria – Year of the Black Rainbow

Dishonorable Mention
Disturbed – Asylum – Started with promise, but quickly became the last two albums
Avenged Sevenfold – Nightmare – Ditto, except for the “started with promise” part
Godsmack – The Oracle – Ugh…
Ozzy Osbourne – Scream – /Starts “Bring Back, Zakk” Chant

I recently drove out to Colorado from Minnesota. It required driving through Southern Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, and the Southeast corner of Wyoming. I left with an appreciation for the rolling hills of Western Iowa. Wyoming was quaint. I’ve lived in the Twin Cities for the last three years, so there’s something amusing about seeing a billboard for a business in your state’s capital city ten miles out of town (Hey! We’re in Minneapolis! Look! There’s a sign for Pete’s Salvage Yard! It’s only five miles away in St. Paul!). Colorado is breathtaking. But fuck Nebraska, because Nebraska sucks.

Louis C.K. has a bit where he explains that until the age of six or seven, nothing a child says matters. It’s great that they are talking, but if you didn’t hear anything they said for the first six years of their life, absolutely nothing in your life would be different. In this sense, Nebraska is the four-year old of the United States. It’s great that it’s a state and all. It really helps balance out our flag. But if Nebraska got nuked tomorrow, nothing about the United States would be different. We would lose nothing but six-hundred miles of flat land, some cows, and some sort of Southern, sort of asshole people.

Sad Day...

The trip was well worth it, though. Time of my life, thank you for asking. Here’s my trip by the numbers:

7:30 AM – Left Elk River, MN
8:30 AM – Cleared Minneapolis
9:39 AM – Albert Lea, MN
9:49 AM – Into Iowa
11:56 AM – Des Moines, IA
2:00 PM– Into Nebraska
8:40 PM – Into Wyoming (See how there was nothing of note in between the last two times?)
9:19 PM – Into Colorado
9:53 PM – Fort Collins, CO

6 – Number of stops made along the way

1 – Number of times almost run off of the road by dumbfucks

10 – Average speed (in mph) that the average Coloradoan enjoys driving below the speed limit

84 – Number of times I said or thought “Fuck Nebraska”

4 – Number of phone conversations with friends or family members to help get me through Nebraska without passing out from boredom

14 – Number of albums listened to in their entirety
1. Coheed and Cambria – Year of the Black Rainbow
2. The Dear Hunter – Act II: The Meaning of, and All Things Regarding Ms. Leading
3. Falconer – Chapters from a Vale Forlorn
4. Lacuna Coil – Shallow Life
5. Lo-Pro – Lo-Pro
6. Shaman’s Harvest – Shine
7. Soilwork – The Panic Broadcast
8. Between the Buried and Me – The Great Misdirect
9. Patton Oswalt – My Weakness Is Strong
10. 3 – Revisions
11. The Dear Hunter – Act III: Life and Death
12. Fair to Midland – Fables from a Mayfly: What I Tell You Three Times Is True
13. Lo-Pro – The Beautiful Sounds of Revenge
14. Butch Walker – Sycamore Meadows

(Person Whom I Should Not Have Entrusted with My Computer’s Note: Maranda is awesome.)

I’d like to tap your Rockies if you know what I mean. If you don’t, I meant that ass of yours.

You take my breath away. Wait… No, it’s just the altitude and not being in shape.

You can scale my mountain? Does that work? Not really? Okay, sorry.

I like to try your bang-quet beer. I agree. Stupidity is a turn-off. How does that apply to me?

I’d like to rock your Y Mountains?

Denver? I hardly knew her!

Ummm… Yeah, that’s exactly what I meant

After all that teabagging and mushroom stamping, I suppose it’s really not much of a surprise that I couldn’t find anyone to go with me to the Band of Horses concert at the State Theater. Thankfully, I ran into an old friend there, Mick G. Light.

My Ever Faithful Friend

Mick and I met in college. Good guy.

Mick and I went to find our seats in the balcony. We were very confused for a bit since neither of us could read or match the strange, mystical symbols on our tickets with the ones on our seats. Since we were so clueless, an usher who looked like the guy that sold me my car found my seat for me.

Renaldo will sell the muthafuckin’ shit outta that muthafuckin’ car!

The opening band was Bryan Cates. I have nothing against the guy, but I hate him. Yeah, ponder that statement for a moment. I had a hard time getting over a couple of things with their show. First, Bryan seemed like a pretty good dude, but he wore a tie that looked like a shadow. It was the perfect color so that whenever it moved, I tried to figure out what moved in front of him. Not cool. Also, their lead guitarist wore crocs. I fucking hate that guy. Green ones too.

Not acceptable

Finally, they had a guy that looked like Christopher Titus in a v-neck t-shirt with a maraca and tambourine.

Pretty much this

Now… Call me a metal snob if you will, but it is never, NEVER, necessary to have a guy in your band just to shake two jingly things. (This would be the place where a less mature author would make a joke about sweet boobs.*) If your instruments can be played by an elementary-schooler, you are not needed in a band. There is no song ever written that needs a tambourine so badly that all the band members need to give up 5% of their check. That’s all that having a 5th guy in your band to play the tambourine is: a 20% pay cut. My future metal band, Love Drool (assuming I can get the proper permissions from the creator), will not have a tambourine player. Keyboardist? It’s possible. 2nd percussionist? It’s a stretch, but maybe. Tambourine player? Fuck no.

Band of Horses was awesome.

BONUS: 3 Things You Didn’t Know

1) Band of Horses is the world’s 3^rd largest exporter of ironic facial hair.

2) Someone actually owns a #24 Mike Lamb Twins shirt. 80% of TWINS FANS will say “Who the fuck is that? Is that guy’s name Lamb?” The other 20% will say “Why the fuck does that guy have a Mike Lamb shirt? That guy fucking blew.”

3) Black people love Band of Horses. The two Black people I saw at the concert clapped after every song!

*

Really? You thought I was above this?

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for tuning into tonight’s ESPN special, LeBron James’ LeBron James Special on LeBron James’ Decision for LeBron James, starring LeBron James.

These past few months have been difficult for me. Making this decision has been the most difficult in my life. I considered many different options and different choices. I consulted my mom and we agreed that the most important thing for me is to have fun. After several agonizing weeks, I have finally made a decision. Which is…

Fuck you, City of Cleveland.

Fuck you, Cleveland, Ohio. I don’t know how to say it any more bluntly. Fuck you. You are a garbage pit of a city and I hate you. I want to say “fuck you” so badly that I wrangled an hour of airtime from ESPN to say it. Sure, we can all pretend that it’s for the Boys & Girls Club, but let’s be honest; I don’t give a shit about them. This is LeBron James’ time to say “Seriously, Cleveland, fuck you and eat a bag of dicks.”

Furthermore, Cleveland,

Remember that shit? How’d that feel? Pretty good? No? That’s okay, because without me, you’ll never find yourself in that situation again. Fuck You. Also,

Don't Worry. It's Game 7. He'll come through.

Wow, you guys were really close that year. Soooo close, yet soooo far. I would say something clever about some players on the Indians this year, but I have never heard of any of them before. Too bad you are a hopeless, pathetic mess of a city. Fuck you. In addendum, skip forward to about the 6:45 mark of this one. It starts getting good right around there.

HAHAHAHAHA! REALLY! HATE HIM! Hate the only reason you were there in the first place. Fuck you, Cleveland. Here’s one more.

What a Dick

Oooh, that one’s gonna sting too. The King is abdicating. Remember all those times I said I was going to take Cleveland to the Promised Land? Fuck. You.

So to conclude, I fucking hate you, Cleveland, and am in no way grateful to the city, the fans, or anything that you have done to make me the face of the NBA. Fuck you.
s

Oh yeah, I almost forgot…I will be taking my talents to South Beach and the Miami Heat.

However, I will remember 2009 as the year that rock and metal got back to kicking ass. If you read my review from last year, you know that I thought that 2008’s rock music was sorely lacking. In retrospect, I’m a genius because I was dead on. I messed up on a few albums to be sure – it was damn near criminal to leave Trivium’s Shogun off my list when In This Moment occupied the number two spot. However, 2008 was only a shadow of the twenty must-have albums of 2007.

In 2009, rock and metal got back on track. So, it with great pleasure and an overinflated sense of self that I present to you the 10 Best Rock and Metal Albums of 2009.

12. Flyleaf – Memento Mori

Yes, there are twelve albums on this top ten list. I suppose I could have cut a couple albums from the list, but I also could have not cared. Guess which one I chose. This is as solid an album as came out this year. It’s more a streamlining of the sound on their self-titled debut than a revolution, but that’s what a sophomore effort is all about. And this one does not disappoint.

11. Collective Soul – Collective Soul (Rabbit)

I’ll admit that I wrote Collective Soul off after their awful Afterwards album, but they bounced back with their best album since 2000’s Blender. Ed Roland proves that he is still one of the better vocalists in rock. This is just a flat-out fun album to which to listen. And that’s what a good Collective Soul album is all about.

10. …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead – The Century of Self

These guys (Ed Note: I don’t feel like typing there entire name, even though at this point it would have just been shorter to write their name instead of this stream of consciousness explanation) are on my short list of bands that I love that I can’t really figure out why I love them. It’s artsy. It’s indie. It’s pretentious as hell. But you can’t question their musical talent or that fact that Century of Self is an incredible album.

9. Dredg – The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion

I fell in love with these guys when I saw them live last year. This album’s not a barnburner or particularly technically complex, but it delivers. The songs are catchy and presented against one of the most unique backdrops I’ve heard from a band. Although this album is more straight-forward than Catch Without Arms, it still has the incredibly thick sonic textures that have become Dredg’s trademark.

8. Megadeth – Endgame

I may have become a prog snob, but I can still appreciate a great metal album when I hear one. This album is not art. It’s a sonic size twelve boot in the ass. And it’s great. Chris Broderick proved to be a fantastic choice to take over as guitarist alongside the eternally snarling Dave Mustaine.

7. Killswitch Engage – Killswitch Engage

I don’t know why KsE decided they needed a second self-titled album, especially when this one isn’t much of a musical reinvention by any stretch of the imagination. That said, KsE still delivers incredible music, fantastic lyrics, and another dose of the most soulful vocals in music today. That said, I’d like a little more evolution in the next album.

READ MINI-REVIEW

6. Dream Theater – Black Clouds & Silver Linings

I think I beat this dead horse pretty badly right after the album came out. I’ll let you read it below. The album is prog-metal perfection and a return to form for Dream Theater. My only complaint lies with the lyrics. I listen to Hurt, Killswitch Engage, and Redemption. You’re not cutting it lyrically anymore, boys.

READ FULL REVIEW

5. 3 – Revisions

Revisions might be the most radical departure on this list from any band’s previous album. Their last two albums were progressive, flamenco-influenced rock. This album slides back to their earlier material, which was much more jazz-infused. The reasoning should be obvious since several of the songs are “revisions” of tracks on their first couple albums. On the whole, Revisions is a smooth and infectious album.

4. Anubis Gate – The Detached

This album is about as good as progressive power metal gets. I haven’t had a lot of interest in fantasy lyrics since I got off of my Dio kick six years ago, but great music never goes out of style. Every song leads directly into the next and there’s really no song you can skip. “A Lifetime to Share” also bears the distinction of being the only song with any auto-tuning that I don’t despise.

READ MINI-REVIEW

3. Hurt – Goodbye to the Machine

I’ve said about all there is to say about this album. J. Loren Wince pours every bit of himself into every song, and once again, the results are another masterpiece. Do yourself a favor and get this album.

READ FULL REVIEW

2. Redemption – Snowfall on Judgment Day

This is easily my favorite album of the year. Just like their last two albums, Snowfall is complex and technically brilliant. “Walls” is a perfect slice of progressive metal. However, the best part about Redemption is the lyrics. I still haven’t found out who writes the lyrics, but they are perfect. Some people might find the phrasing or vocabulary too complex, but I’ve never heard lyrics as intelligent and moving. And they are perfectly complimented by the music. Every song on the album is brilliant, beautiful, and tragic.

1. Riverside – Anno Domino High Definition

This is not my favorite album of the year. I’ve been listening to Snowfall on Judgment Day pretty much nonstop for the last month and Goodbye to the Machine has a handful of songs that skip past my ears and go directly to my soul. However, this is the best album of the year. Five songs, all of them seamlessly blending into each other in an album that contains all the best pieces of every progressive sub-genre out there. There is no skippable song on this album. The scary part is that the exact same thing is true for all three of their previous albums. Riverside might be the best band out there right now.

Dishonorable Mention:

Between the Buried and Me – The Great Misdirect: This is probably an album I will regret placing here a year from now. It’s a better album than many on this list, but I was expecting a heck of a lot more from this album after the musical triumph of Colors.

Breaking Benjamin – Dear Agony: Has more hits than misses, but it’s still Phobia II. Evolve or die, guys. I’m giving you one more album. I love you. Don’t mess this up.

Alice in Chains – Black Gives Way to Blue: A solid outing. Not worthy of inclusion, but worthy of mention.

Heaven and Hell – The Devil You Know: Thanks for the effort guys, but I’ll stick to the album Heaven and Hell.

As usual, I’m always interested in anything I missed. I’m more interested in hearing how amazing I am, but telling me how much I suck is an acceptable substitute.

Settler: Wait, what is this?
Indian: It’s a gourd. We use them for decorative purposes.
Settler: Uhhh… Thanks, buddy….
u

Settler: This is how we say “Nice to meet you and we promise not to strip you of your rights and sacred lands, forcing those we do not kill onto reservations and a life of crippling economic disparity.”
Indian: Nice to meet you too.
u

Indian: You know those buckles on your hats look fucking retarded, right?
u

Indian: Here. I give you fish.
Settler: Yeah, guy. Those, um, blankets you wanted are on the way too. (winks at wife)
Indian: Why are you winking?
Settler: Oh, no reason. (WINK, WINK, WINK)
u

Pastor: We thank you, Lord, for our great fortune, finding a new land far away from the oppression of our Mother country. A place where we can finally be free to chose our own life and destiny. A place where we can live our lives without the encroachment of some outside party. And also for placing all these savages at that table over way over there.
u

Pocahontas: So, you know that I’m like twelve, right?

John Smith: HELLS YEAH!